Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
