Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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