she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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