In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
