woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
