It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
