wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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