Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
