Jerry, you need to find god
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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