i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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