I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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