I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
