ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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