My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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