Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
