I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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