so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
