Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
