Pappa wants mamma naked
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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