I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
