community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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