They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
