guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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