If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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