I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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