get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
