I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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