why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
