I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
