He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
