Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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