if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
