Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
