You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
