There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
