ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
