my mouth tastes like poor choices
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
