I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
