Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
