I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am naked and annoyed.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
