Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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