how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
