Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
