I wish my penis had an off switch
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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