direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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