Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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