Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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