Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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