so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
