I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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