im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
