So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize