wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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