I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
