I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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