Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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