I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
