remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
