i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
