Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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