Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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